Cappucciett Red

[pcosta]

Cappucciett Red

Tant ma tant temp ago, ce stava 'na little Cappucciett Red. One mattin her mamma dissed:
"Dear Cappucciett, take this cest to the nonn but warning to the lup that is very ma very kattiv! And torn prest! Good luck! And in bocc at the lup!"
Cappucciett didn't capì very well this ultim thing but went away, da sol, with the cest.
Cammining cammining, in the cuor of the forest, at a cert punt she incontered the lup, who dissed:
"Hi ! Piccula piezz'e girl ! 'Ndove do you go?"
"To the nonn with this little cest, which is little but it is full of a sacc of chocolate and biscots and panetons and more, more, more and mirtills" - she dissed.
"Ah, mannagg 'a maruschella (maybe an expression com: what a cul that I had)" dissed the lup, with a fium of saliv out of the bocc. And so the lup dissed:
"Bhe, now I dev andar because the telephonin is squilling, sorry."
And the lup went away, but not very away, but to the nonn's house. Cappucciet Red, who was very ma very lent, lent un casin, continued for her sentier in the forest.
The lup arrived at the house, suoned the campanel, entered, and, after saluting the nonn, magned her in a boccon. Then, after sputing the dentier, he indossed the ridicol night berret an fikked himself in the let.
When Cappucciet Red came to the fint nonn's house, suoned and entered. But when the little and a bit stupid girl saw the nonn (non was the nonn, but the lup, ricord!) dissed:
"But, nonn, why do you stay in let?"
And the nonn-lup:
"Oh, I've stort my gavigl doing aerobics!"
"Oh, poor nonn!", said Cappucciett (she was more than a bit stupid, I think, wasn't she?). Then she dissed:
"But... what big okks do you have? Do you bisogn some collir?".
"Oh, no! It's for see you better, my dear (stupid) little girl." dissed the nonn-lup."
Then Cappuciett, who was more dur than a block of marm:
"But what big orekks do you have, do you have the orekkions?"
And the nonn-lup:
"Oh no! It's to ascolt to you better"
And Cappucciet (that I think was now really really rincoglionited) said:
"But what big dents do you have!".
And the lup, that at this point wanted to dir:
"Cossi ti mai?" (maybe an expression com: to buy to you the little machine, never?) dissed:
"It's to magn you better!" And magned really tutt quant the poor little red girl.
But (ta-dah!) out of the house a simpatic, curious and innocent cacciator of frodo (maybe a city near there) sented all and dissed:
"Accidenti! A lup! Its pellicc vals a sac of sold."
And so, spinted only for the compassion for the little girl, butted a terr kils of volps,fringuells and conigl that he had ammazzed till that moment, imbracced the fucil, entered in the stanz and killed the lup. Then squarced his panz (being attent not to rovin the pellicc) and tired fora the nonn (still viv) and Cappucciet (still rincoglionited). And so, at the end, the cacciator of frodo vended the pellicc and guadagned (Honestly) a sacc of solds.
The nonn magned tutt the leccornie in the cest. Cappucciett Red...bhe!, let her stay, because she had capit. And so, everyboy lived felix and content (maybe not the lup).

[Josto]

What kind of language is it? Maybe an italian versione of the spanglish?

[KillingTime]

percouse ai likk dis littel storyella veri mach adess la post nel forum in italinglish di lonelyplanet aqqui'

do ue sappiam who e' l'author???

[pcosta]

Originally posted by KillingTime
percouse ai likk dis littel storyella veri mach adess la post nel forum in italinglish di lonelyplanet aqqui'

do ue sappiam who e' l'author???

Chi dice "Autore Sconosciuto"
Chi la posta e basta
chi se la attribuisce http://www.zioziek.it/kappuccettred.htm
Chi dice "Received via e-mail in Vicenza in November 2001 by a member of the American community"
E c'è chi la attribuisce a Filippo, quello del Grande Fratello 2001

dello stesso (ma quale?) autore:

THE CREATION OF THE NUTELL

Much time ago, many, many, many, ma 'na cifra of years ago, at the beginning of the initiation of the mond, there was the caos. One day, God (God is the name d'art of Dio), who was disoccupated and annoyed, had a folgorant idea: and so he created the Nutell. And God saw that the Nutell was good, very good, very very good, good 'na cifra. The mangiation of God was long: he manged one million of barattols of Nutell, sfrutting the fact that God not has a mamm that strills if you sbaff too much Nutell... And after this mangiation, God invented the "water closed run" (the "cors in the cabinet"), and some Nutell's derivates like the red bubbons, the panz, the cellulit, and ceter and ceter.
Afterofwhich (="dopodiché") he invented Adamo ed Eva and the Paradise, and he dissed to them: "Now you have all the Paradise, you can do everything, very tutt: you have the permission to eat, to drink, to kiss, to scope, nothing lavor, nothing affit, nothing concors for impiegats, nothing cod alla post, nothing IRPEF, ILOR, and ceter and ceter. Only very ozious life: television, telenovels, football, moviols, process of Monday, appell of Tuesday, cassation of Wednesday, and ceter and ceter. You have gratis restaurants, cinemas, theaters, all the Paradise is yours: air-conditioned, auto-riscaldament, moquette, parquett, tresset, bidet, omelette, eccet, eccet. There's just one thing, ramment, in all the Paradise just one thing absolutely prohibited. Come, come with me in the giardin.", dissed God: "This is the Nocciol, the alber of the Nutell. Only this alber of the Nutell is prohibited, because I like the Nutell very much, very very much, much 'na cifra, and I want all the Nutell, every Nutell for me."
During the first times, Adamo and Eva stayed very happy. Adamo used to dir: "What a cool!" ("cool" is not in Italian "freddo", no, "what a cool" means "che culo"), "All the Paradise is noster!". And ognigiorn they discovered something new: a lot of scoperts, many scoperts, many many scoperts, 'na cifra di scoperts. One day the scopert of the hot water, one day the scopert of the spaghettis, one day the cigarettes, and ceter, and ceter. But one day, a thrist day, a very very thrist day, thrist 'na cifra, Adamo and Eva did the scopert of the first colation. And after the scopert of the cappuccin, of the orange succ, of the cornetts, they capiscd that something was mancant. "Eva!", said Adamo: "Don't you pens that qualcos is mancant here, proprio here, 'ncopp this fett?" "Second me" Eva risposed "'ncopp the fett you have to mett burr and marmelade." "No, no Eva, you know that the marmelade schifs me. I want 'ncopp this fett something very particular, very very particular, 'na cifra particular. What do you pens about the Nutell?" "No, Adamo you are scording that the Signor said that's vietat!" "Yes, I ramment, but only a little assaggiation, don't succeds nothing!". And so Adamo scended in the cortil where the alber of the Nutell was, and he prended a small barattol, and spalmed the brown cream on his fett and assaggiated it.
Adamo and Eva don't ebber the time to exprimer their godiment that the tuons and fulmins appared in the ciel and one voice said: "Adamo, Eva, come here! I'm very incazzed with you, very very incazzed, 'na cifra incazzed! How did you permit yourselves to tock my Nutell? Haven't you rammented that it's prohibited?". "Cazz!", esclamed Adamo: "It was prohibited! Oh, sorry, God, I'm very very sorry, sorry 'na cifra, God, I really really was completely scordat..." "Don't do the fint tont, Adamo, I'm God, I can see everything, very tutt, and I know that you have deliberatament assaggiated the Nutell. So you'll have a big punition, a castig for your peccat. But thenwhich (="poiché") I'm God, I'm sconfinatly good, you can choose, you have two scelts: scelt number 1: nothing Nutell for ever and ever in the secolies of the secolies, amen!" "Nooo!", Eva incominced to piagnucol: "It's a very tragic thing, very very tragic, tragic 'na cifra!" "Aspett!" said God "Don't be trop frettolous woman... Scelt number 2: you can take the Nutell, no problem, let's prend, prend, but for you is the cacciation from the Paradise. You'll have to lavor with the sudor of the front, you'll zapp the terr, you'll have mal of skien and, like this don't bastass, everytime you mang Nutell the malediction of the brufols, of the mal of panz, of the cacarel will be cadent on you!" "Alé!" esclaimed Adamo: "Thank you God, thank you, it doesn't interess to us the cacciation from Paradise, the important is to have the Nutell!".
And so Adamo and Eva were cacciated and this original peccat and this malediction cadded on them and on their descendents, and on the descendents of the descendents. Infact, at alltoday (="a tuttoggi"), you can see in the pubblicity all the ragazz that, to have one miser fett of pan and Nutell, scal the mountains, stay in a tend at fredd and at jazz, and ceter, and ceter. But the final pensing of we all is "Better fatic and soffr with the Nutell moresoon (="piuttosto") that the Terrestr Paradise senz the Nutell".

[KillingTime]

thank you pcosta. credit given.

[marcejap]

Questi posto sono una chicca. Grazie ancora pcosta.

[bom-bim-bom]

uot tipo de lengueig is kist, the italiano of de niù millenium?

but biutiful dis storielletions.

[porcobollo (POL)]

L'autore è Riccardo Cassini.


da www.minimumfax.it


Riccardo Cassini è nato a Napoli nel 1960. Una buona parte della sua vita la passa a vendere macchine per alcune concessionarie di Napoli e poi di Roma. Un giorno improvvisamente decide di aprire un pub a Trastevere e lì, mentre declama per pochi intimi convenuti di una lettura di poesia a tema sulla cioccolata il suo trattato in latino "Nutella Nutellae" composto cinque minuti prima (con l’incipit ormai classico «Nutella omnia divisa est in partes tres...») viene scoperto dal direttore di Riso in Italy, un festival per nuovi autori comici.
Dopo due giorni è su quel palco a recitare il suo monologo e vince la rassegna. Passano altri due giorni e vince un altro festival analogo a Benevento. Altri due giorni e lo chiama il Maurizio Costanzo Show. Sono passati sei giorni, insomma, e siamo nel 1993. Nel frattempo aveva mandato il suo dattiloscritto alla allora neonata casa editrice Comix, di Modena, che ben presto gli comunica l’intenzione di pubblicarlo. L’ex venditore di automobili quindi compone alcuni altri trattati simili (in spagnolo, in inglese e ancora in latino) per arrivare a riempire le poche pagine di un libretto che Comix decide di mettere in vendita a mille lire. Nutella Nutellae, nato in questo modo, arriva a vendere un milione di copie. Che scritto in cifre fa ancora più impressione: 1.000.000 di copie. Si susseguono così tante edizioni e variazioni sul tema che il suo è il primo libro a uscire prima in economica e poi in edizione rilegata (l’ultimo, Nutella Nutella Liber Magno, raccoglie tutti i testi nutellistici per i quali, l’autore ci tiene a precisare, non ha mai ricevuto finanziamenti occulti dalla Ferrero).
Per due anni il suo libretto a mille lire si contende con La lettera sulla felicità di Epicuro (Stampa Alternativa) il primato nella apposita classifica dei bestseller per libri supereconomici. Cassini inizia a girare l’Italia recitando in teatro i suoi monologhi, che però vanno più veloci di lui e raggiungono la Francia, dove il caso letterario viene addirittura studiato dai linguisti della Sorbona. Che esagerazione.
Nel frattempo però ha scritto altri libri, che vengono pubblicati da minimum fax: Il buco nello zoo (1996) che inaugura la collana umoristica Struffoli, e Era buio pesto alla genovese (1998). Sono i libri "dietetici" di Cassini, quelli in cui non c’è la nutella per intenderci. Raccontini demenziali e divertentissimi infarciti di quei giochi di parole fulminanti che gli valgono addirittura la citazione in un Dizionario delle lingue inventate pubblicato da Zanichelli.
Dopo questo peregrinare fra le piccole ma gloriose case editrici Cassini approda infine a Mondadori, che gli pubblica Veni, vidi, WC, uno studio approfondito e meditato sull’arte dell’andare in bagno, e Il piccolo libro della Nutella. Questo è finora il suo ultimo libro, perché adesso, come se non bastasse, si è messo a scrivere testi per la tv, spaziando dai programmi televisivi del sabato sera per la Rai a una telenovela in dialetto napoletano per una tv locale. Nonostante tutto questo, giura di non fare uso di sostanze stupefacenti.

---

da http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/5121/nutella.html



NUTELLA NUTELLAE di Riccardo Cassini

THE REVENGE

Riassunt of the precedents puntats: God, the boss of the Paradise, has cacced out, very very fuor, in the "freddo divertente" that in english si dice "fun cool", Adam, Eva and the fruit of the peccat: the Nutell.

From that moment, the life of God was very very squallid, very very scocciant, very very noious. Infact God is onnipotent, He knows everything, very very tutt, perciò He don't si può veder one football partit because già knows the risultat: He don't si può legger one yellow book because già know the assasin, don't può play the lotto, tombol, lottery of Capodann, because He già lo knows who vinces and who perds (di solit God vinces at lotto, infact He is soprannominated "Padre Terno"), He knows già everything, tutte cose.
The unic thing that God don't sapeva, was what cazz di end aveva fatt the Nutell and, under under, sotto sotto, after one sacc of time that he don't have nothing notiz about the Nutell, God was very curios, ma very very curios, because God is formed dalla Santissima Trinity, perciò God has the curiosity of the Father the curiosity of the figl, and the curiosity of the Spirit Sant: 'na cifra di curiosity...
God was pensing to qualcos per rintracciar the Nutell and so decided to mandar 'ncopp the Terr one part of the Santissim Trinity: so chiamed the Spirit Sant that is the most sfigat of the Trinity, (that quand God want the cigarettes or want the giornal, He sempr calls the Spirit Sant that in deep in deep, in fondo in fondo, is the apprendist of the Trinity, the shop-boy, the ragazz of botteg) and God dissed to the Colomb: "Now you go 'ncopp the terr and cerc 'nu poco this cazz of Nutell that da secols and secols I don't have notiz".
The Colomb se ne voled from the Paradise vers the Terr. "Good Viagg!" dissed God watching the colomb flying...
The Colomb was avvicinanding to the Terr. "Good Fortun!" dissed God watching the Colomb avvicinanding...
The Colomb entered in the atmosphere of the Terr. "In bocc al wolf!" dissed God watching the Colomb in the atmosphere.
The Colomb was ormai in the ciel of the Terr. "In cool at the balen!" dissed God watching the Colomb in the ciel of the Terr.
PAM!! One cacciator of Frosinone accirrette the Colomb with 'na scaric of pallettons.
"Azz!" esclaimed God
"Pork Mignott!" esclaimed the Colomb, "God, ma nothing nothing do you portass nu' poco sfiga?" And Murretted into the Frosinon Forrest.

At this point God facing the vague, ma very very vague, ma very very very vague, vague 'na cifra, fischietting and canticching si avvicined a Jesus and gli dissed: "Jesus, my predilett figl!..."
"Te credo" risposed jesus "I am the unic figl..."
"Don't scherzar everytime, Jesus!" dissed God, "I'm parling seriament: if you go 'ncopp the Terr, I'll give to you 'na bella cosa: the Nutell!"
"With the cazz!" dissed Jesus "I aggio visted the end che ha fatt the Spirit Sant, I don't want to be accised by a fetient cacciator of Frosinon!" "But don't ti preoccupar! Don't succed nothing, and if you want star very sicur, ma very very sicur, ma very very very sicur, sicur 'na cifra, I give you three (3) miracols, so you can go tranquill, very very tranquill 'ncopp the Terr".
"Ue' Daddy" dissed Jesus "I don't want go to 'ncopp the Terr!! But comunq, proprio perchè sei you, I will go 'ncopp the Terr se you..." "Se io...?" "Se you accatt me the motorin!" "The motorin is pericolous! L'altra volt t'aggio visted 'ncopp the Vesp of the figl of Mosè sgomming and impenning su 'na ruota only!" "And I don't go 'ncopp the Terr!" dissed Jesus. "What a cacacazz of figl che teng! And it goes good! Va buo'!: now I give to you tre miracles and when you return, I'll give the motorin. But you trov the Nutell!" So Jesus nacqued in ne grott al cold e al gel.
Will riesce Jesus a compier the mission to salv the humanity from the tentation of the Nutell?
Che a him don't gliene può fregar of meno, but he want the motorin, with the parabrezz, the baulett and the adesiv of his face, with the scritt "Volto Santo of Jesus Christ protegg me"?
We will know everything to the proxim puntat of the "Good 'na cifra Tales". Amen.

PALESTINA JESUS & THE PREDATORS OF THE NUTELLA PERDUTA

Riassunt of the precedents puntats: dopo aver cacced from the Paradise Adam, Eva and the Nutell, a God gli venn the sfitz di ritrovar the Nutell in the mond, so he manded Jesus ncopp the Terr. But siccom Jesus dont voleva andar, god promised to him tre miracles (in case of necessity, don't si sa never) and soprattutt, se Jesus ritornava with the Nutell in Paradise, God for premium, gli accattava the motorin. So Jesus nacqued in one grott al cold and al gel.
After qualck ann, when he was more grandicell, he troved finalment the Nutell. And pure Jesus vided that the Nutell was good, ma very very good, m good na cifra, solament that Jesus aveva the Mamm, the Madonn, that always nasconded the barattolos of the Nutell in the most incredible post, under the mangiatoy, in the cofanett of the mirra, in the attrezz of San Joseph...
But we sappiam that Jesus avev the Nutell because of the miracles, the tre miracles that faced:
- Miracle number one: The resurrezion of Lazaroni, one fabbricant of biscot that, for riconoscenz, regaled a Jesus le sue actions of the Nutella SpA so Jesus divenned the principal azionist of the Nutell.
- Miralce number two: The Nozze di Cana, dove jesus, alla fine of the pranz, trasformed il dessert in nutell, con big godiment of tutt the invitats and the tutt the imbucats 8that, at the matrimon, don't mancano never).
- Miracle number three: The Moltiplication of the Pan end the nutell, in cui Jesus, per incrementar the affairs, con one rossett and one little vaschett of Nutell sfamed nu dacc of little boys, the ragazzins, the pischells, the guagliunciells, because Jesus is very very furb, furb 'na cifra, and he knows that se one boy assagg the nutell, after per tutt the life the ragazzin will cake the cazz days and night in the recchiies of the mamm to comprar the Nutell.
But one giorn very very trist, Jesus decided to offrir one cena for the discepols. the discepols eran like the Consigl of Amministration of the Nutella SpA.
During tutt the cena they were parling and chiackiering of the more and the less (del più e del meno) but a un cert point, Jesus presed the pan, lo spezzed, lo dieded ai discepols and disses: "Uagliò lets prend the Nutell that i mi want far 'na panz tant!"
But purtropp, cerc di qua, cerc di là, they don't trovaron the Nutell and aveva scambied la formula per trenta denars, one abbonament in lateral tribune of the Naples Football Club and five filmins of Moana Pozzi, giving the formula to one fariseo, Mister Ferrero.
And fu così che Ferrero divvened ricc and famous; and fu così that Jesus s'incazzed very much, ma very very much, much 'na cifra, bestemming the mamm, the babb, and tutt the saints amici suoi, but ormai don't c'era più nothing da far; and fu così che God, per dispett, invented seduta stant the "Peccat of Golosity"; and fu così che Jesus is l'unic in tutt the Paradise that still andand a pieds, senz the motorin...Amen.