A cry in the darkness

[Felipe K.]

You can't tell people you are sick. People with leukemia are sick, you just look like a lazy, entitled, spoiled little girl with attention-seeking issue who cut herself. But you are not seeking attention, actually you are avoiding it.


How could you tell people that you are sick when people all over the world are suffering from actual problems like war, hunger and illness? Even with flu you feel deserving some human compassion. A hot chicken broth, some tea with lemon, or just a sincere warm smile. Being depressed you don't deserve anything. You are a lucky human being with good health and ability to work you have no reasons to be seeking social consideration. People can't feel compassion because they just don't know what the hell is wrong with you.


That's why you slowly begin to withdraw yourself from all social interactions. You start by ignoring phone calls and texts from your friends, because you don't feel you can stand a night faking happyness and normality. Faking happyness is costly: it crushes your soul, makes you feel empty and tired. You need some time alone to recover. But you don't. No, I'm not coming to your BBQ party today, I have some work to finish. Don't kid yourself. You can't even clean your kitchen, how could you work on a sunday afternoon?


One day they just stop calling you. They're not evil, they don't hate you. You are simply out of their "people to call" list. You know they sometimes talk about you. Hey what's up with him? Dunno, the last time I heard him he was working a lot. But you are not. You are barely functioning, somehow you manage to meet minimal requirements with huge amount of effort but you know you are not going anywhere. You feel your life is going to toilet very soon, but you are unable to prevent it. You know you worked very hard to get there and just the thought of losing everything you fought for ought to make you cry. But you can't cry, you wish you could. You can't feel emotions and that ought to scare you. However it doesn't. You are numb and yet you feel pain. A painless pain.


You are falling, with a soundless cry in the darkness. Alone.

[Perseo]

Uè ti sei lanciato proprio nella letteratura. Il genere intimista depresso ha sempre mercato, buona scelta.

Now, how about thinking in the same language you want to write ?
Sticking to italian grammar, then translating the single words ain't taking you anywhere.

[Felipe K.]

No veramente l'ho scritto e pensato in inglese. Sono anni che non traduco più nella testa, ma evidentemente è la struttura del pensiero ad essere inerentemente in italiano.

[Perseo]

Ci vedo molto italiano nella costruzione delle frasi.
Quando si leggono i forum di lingua inglese si ha quella sensazione di streamline che qui manca, mi sembrava di guidare in una strada coi sassi.

[Felipe K.]

Capisco perfettamente.